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I'm having a "crisis" of sorts.  My second cousin just had a baby today.  She's 22.  I'm about to turn 29.  I don't have a baby.  I don't have anyone.  At least it feels like it most days.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of going to bed every night alone.  I'm tired of waking up every morning alone.  I'm tired of being the only one responsible for the household crap, be it laundry, taking out the garbage, or cleaning.  And part of me is ridiculously sad that I will never have a baby.  I will never be a mother and there's a big part of me that is sad.  I know my decision to not have a baby is a smart one.  I can barely support myself let alone another human.  Not to mention I have no patience for kids and I know I'd be a terrible parent.  But some days I still want one.  I still want to fall asleep with my baby on my chest.  And I still want to know what it's like to love someone unconditionally like that.  


So last week we get notice that they will be paving the 3 parking lots closest to my apartment and you will be unable to park between the hours of 7:30am and 5:00pm at some point this week.  A few days ago they let us know this was happening Tuesday, today, and possibly tomorrow.  Now my first complaint is these 3 lots are the largest in the immediate vicinity and they chose to do them all at the same time.  This means about 60 cars have to find places to park.  My second complaint is that they wanted the cars moved by 7:30 am.  For me, I'm just getting out of the shower at 7:30.  I don't leave for work until 8:30.  So in reality I can't park in the lot at all.  So, Monday night I'm home from work early enough and am able to park in a lot that is still close.  A small inconvenience but no big deal.  Tuesday morning comes and they are out there bright and early to start.  I've just started a second job so I didn't get home until almost 11 and had to park 3 lots away.  Though they did have my lot open I didn't want to get up early just to move it and potentially not find a spot in the morning.  Pain but fine, I dealt with it.  Now tonight I come home and they have the lots completely blocked off.  This is almost 6:30.  Ended up parking in the same lot as last night but I'm feeling pretty ticked.  I couldn't even walk the path to my apartment and had to go a different way to get in.  They were apparently still working on it.  Now here it is 9:30 and THEY ARE STILL OUT THERE!!!!  I've checked the noise ordinance for town and it says construction can not be performed between 7:00am and 6:00pm.  We're 3 and a half hours past that!   People are parked in all kinds of illegal places right now.  If there was a fire or something I feel like it's just not a safe situation.  With the call for rain in the morning I can appreciate them wanting to get it over with as to not inconvenience us longer but COME ON!  I really feel like calling the cops or filing a complaint with the town at some point but I also don't want to rock the boat since my lease is up soon and if they don't renew I'm screwed and homeless.  This is unfortunately just the latest in a series of recent construction annoyances. And I am so beyond frustrated but there is nothing I can do but suck it up.
About 12 hours ago I received the absolute worst news a person could get.  My brother is dead.  He killed himself.  I haven't seen him in over 3 years.  And now he's gone.  I haven't slept.  I tried.  But I couldn't.  My mind wouldn't shut off.  Every time I closed my eyes and tried to sleep I would just remember again and the tears would start.  I thought writing about this would help but I just don't even know what to say.  Other than he's dead.  Christopher is dead and I will never get to see him again.
So I'm watching the 12/12/12 concert and loving every minute of it.  I read a few messages boards and have just been utterly disgusted with people.  Someone asked if people were going to watch.  One person said 'no.  There are disaster all over the country.  Why is this one so special to get a concert?' or something to that effect.  I'm not belitting the disasters in the midwest or California or anywhere else in this country.  But what I don't think people understand is that New Jersey is the most densely populated state!  We have nearly 1200 people per square mile.  The majority of those people live near the ocean or one of the many bays, rivers, tributaries, that flooded.  Not to mention the trees that fell and caused even more damage.  It wasn't just a minor hurricane.  It was a SUPERSTORM!  The stories I've heard of how one house on a block was completely destroyed while their neighbors were spared.  Parts of the barrier island look like a tornado ripped through it.  Hell, even parts of my town, parts that aren't even close to the water were completely devastated.  I walked down the highway the morning after the storm and saw an entire neighborhood completely destroyed.  I saw boats thrown around like a giant's play toys.  I helped my grandmother and family gut the house of my childhood summers.  A house she may never be able to live in again.  We saved what we could but there is nothing worse than watching your 85 year old grandmother, a woman whom as she's aged has become more outspoken, stay silent as her life is brought out to the curb.

Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that while yes other parts of the country have seen devastation before none quite so impactful and expensive as this one.  Billions of dollars are going to be needed to rebuild.  To get us back to some semblance of normalcy.  This was not a storm we could have ever expected.  We hear a hurricane is coming to New Jersey and we think just a little bit of rain and some minor flooding.  We ignore it.  We won't ever ignore it again.  This was a storm that changed all of our lives.  No matter how little you may have been affected.  If you live/lived in the state of New Jersey this storm affected someone you know.  Some place you grew up going.

I have so much more I feel like I need to say on this topic but I truly feel like it's finally all hitting me.  I've seen the pictures, heard the first hand accounts, and even been a witness to some things but for the first time I've actually sat and thought about this on a new level.  My home, despite how much I may bitch and moan about it, will never be the same.  New Jersey is my home.  The Jersey Shore is my home.  Nothing will ever compare to GiGi's pizza, fireworks, and the cool, damp sand of Manasquan.  Nothing will ever remind me of home more than that nasty swampy, salty, smell of low tide.  The one Mark absolutely hates but I love more than anything in this world.  As I drive south on the parkway the moment that scent fills my nose I know I'm one step closer to those beaches of my childhood.  Jersey Girl til the day I die and oh so proud. 

Work Vent

I don't post much but today I feel like I have to.  Just to get it out of my system.  So all week I've had a tightening pain in my chest along with a swelling throat and horrible cough.  It wasn't constant and I felt okay so I fought my way through the week and didn't really say much at work because other people were/are sick and sound worse than me.  Yesterday, after the pain in my chest traveled down my torso, I decide I'm going to go to the doctor after work.  Unfortunately by the time I get there the office is closed.  They were only open 9-4 today so I pretty much was SOL since I was scheduled 7-4.  Being that it's Friday we had slightly more staff than usual so I called my boss when I got home and asked if it was okay that I left at 2 so I could make it there in time.  She said this was fine.  Great, fantastic, perfect.  I didn't take a break, was in the drive-thru all day by myself, and pretty much did everything I was supposed to.  Another girl came in at 1 and I assumed (wrongly) that she would come in the drive thru with me so I could be out of there on time.  DId that happen?  Of course not.  I had to wait for the girl who was coming in at 2 to be picked up since she didn't have a ride and didn't end up getting to close up my box until after 2.  I didn't leave the building until 2:18.  Only to wait in the doctor's office for over an hour just for him to not tell me what's wrong with me and prescribe the Z-pak and a strong cough medicine with codeine in it that I'm supposed to take twice a day except I can't take it before work so I'll only be taking it once a day.  Oh and the Z-pak makes me sick to my stomach which I forgot to mention so now I'll have to go to work all next week feeling even worse than I already do because one of the girls is on vacation.

Sep. 18th, 2008


that is all

Jul. 18th, 2008

 So the question becomes is it worth it to pretty much eat $350 or not?

List form

-I got a job
-The pay sucks but it's more than I was making
-Apparently the fingerprints of my ring and pinky fingers on both hands are gone
-I spent $500 today.
-However I did buy our wedding bands so it doesn't really count.
-I'm officially getting married on February 3, 2009 @ 2:30PM
-I picked up my dress and decided to wear a veil.
-Unfortunately I didn't find any I liked so I must keep looking.
-I've also decided my colors are navy and fuschia.  More fuschia than navy.
-We registered
-I got a rebate check.  Yippee for me.
-I'm really going to try to make New Orleans work because I really think I need it.
-I haven't slept much in the past month or so.
-I'm hoping starting the job will help regulate my sleep schedule.
-Now I'm going to attempt to sleep.  Night

 I wanna go to New Orleans.  I think I might....    September 6-14

Venting about stupid people.

 So apparently a car flipped over in front of my house.  Thankfully on the other side of the highway.  I'm not entirely sure how or why because I wasn't home to witness it.  I only found out about it because my parents called to make sure it wasn't me.  I was at dinner with Bob and our friends when it happened so obviously I'd eventually have to come home.  When I finally reach town they had blocked off the northbound side of the highway as predicted.  No big deal I don't travel that way to go home anyway.  It just meant I got stuck in a bit of unnecessary traffic.  I proceed to the back street where I need to get back on the southbound side of the highway and notice a shitload of people/cars standing around.  One car is blocking my view of the actual highway and if it was daytime I would have been beyond pissed because I wouldn't have been able to see past it.  Thank God for headlights.  For anyone not familiar with my parking situation I park in the lot attached to the post office.  Since we live on a major highway, we only have a driveway and enough space in front of the house for 2 cars.  Although I'm the only child still at home I leave the extra space for my sister when she comes over, at least 3 times a week.  This means I park in the lot.  I've been parking in this lot since my mother got her new car over 2 years ago.  No one at the post office has made a big deal out of it and actually my family's been parking there since before that.  Anyway, back to the topic at hand.  So as I notice all of these people I realize, well, they've gotta park somewhere.  Which would have been fine.  Except for the fact that this moron parked in the driveway of the lot, leaving me no way to safely enter and park.  So I had to proceed back around the corner, park my car, and call my parents to make sure I actually COULD park in front of the house.  Thankfully I did that because I had forgotten my sister's car had been parked in the front spot when I left and my mother's behind her.  My mother never moved her car forward because she didn't have a need to.  I'm just aggravated that people feel it necessary to park in a spot they shouldn't be parked.  Whether the side of the road and blocking my view or prohibiting me from entering a lot.  I find it incredibly rude for people to gawk at an accident site as it is.